I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing…

I began to cry; just crying. It’s like someone opened the tap and put it on wide and the tears are flowing down my cheeks like it’s the Victoria Falls…

The deep and ugly kind, the kind you lose yourself in…but through the snot en trane, I thank God that no one has to see how blotched my face has become.

Mariah Carey’s “Breakdown” is on repeat on my iPod and all I hear is the same line over and over and over again: “They haven’t got a clue of the pain that rejection is putting you through…”

Just to rub more salt to my wounds, a semi-detached part of myself kinds of also wishes that the person who has caused this pain was here to see me now, to see and understand just how sad my heart really is. But they don’t see it, and of course, I would never show them that side of me…it’s a sign of weakness…and I cry even harder…

“The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when Sad tries to bite its lip and not cry but smile and go, “No, I’m happy for you”. That’s when it’s really sad…” – John Mayer

Every single time, the same thing happens. It’s like déjà vu; I know how this movie will end already and yet I put myself through the same painful experience by pressing play. And every time I forget to pack in an extra pack of tissues and a stronger heart. It’s almost like they have it all planned. Like they smiled and shook my hand and said “I’m about to screw you over and you won’t even see it coming!”

I’m not a fan of my heart. Every time I follow her, she takes me on this rollercoaster journey knowing it’s not good for her. Her weakness is that she believes the bullshit lies and takes me to places so dangerous yet so exciting. Funny thing is, I always end up being smashed into pieces and heartbroken for what seems like forever. And yet, even though I know that following my mind is a much wiser and safer idea, I still follow my heart….I still listen to and believe the lies…I still cry myself to sleep when it’s not the picture my heart painted but the harsh reality my mind warned me about.

They say that the only people you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs. And that you shouldn’t make someone a priority in your life when all you are is an option in theirs. But sometimes, you just can’t tell anybody how you really feel, not because you don’t know why, not because you don’t know your purpose, not because you don’t trust them…but because you can’t find the right words to make them understand that they are actually the reason for you feeling the way you do…

“Letting go is not hard, holding to something that is not real is a lot harder”

Love, Reesie (straight outta Marvin’s Room)

6 Responses to “DEAR DIARY… – by Reesie”